Murphy's Oil Soap
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Murphy's Oil Soap is pure evil when Joker gets his hands on enough of it.


Dick sniffed the air as Tim walked past. "Robin, you smell funny."

"Murphy's Oil Soap is the bane of my existence," Tim grumbled as he continued past Dick.

"Um, what?"

"Joker," was all that Tim said in response.

"Yeah, um no, that doesn't actually answer any of my questions."

Tim sighed as he turned to face Dick. "Look, all you need to know is that Murphy's Oil Soap is pure evil when Joker gets his hands on enough of it."

"Oh, come on, you know you want to tell me the awfulness of it all."

Tim shook his head, and was disgusted with the way his hair stuck to his skin. "Actually, I'm pretty sure that I don't."

"It's just Murphy's Oil Soap…how bad could it have been?"

"Are you seriously asking me that question?"

Dick nodded. "Yes."

Tim tried to pull his uniform away from his skin, but nothing happed. He figured he'd just have to get it wet enough to remove it, and then shower. "Dick, Murphy's Oil Soap starts out slimy, but then dries the skin right the hell out…not to mention what it's doing to my uniform right now."

Dick raised an eyebrow at him. "Um, so?"

Tim sighed again. "In other words, I REALLY want to get a shower, like right this instant."

"Fine, fine, but the moment that you're out I want to hear the whole story."

Tim stared at him exasperated. "Can't you just read the report?"

"No."

"Why?"

Dick stared at him as though it should be obvious. "Because it's all just technical crap."

"I'm sorry that reports are done in a logical chronological order, without all of the extra…"

"Flare?" Dick suggested for him.

"I was going to say bullshit, but okay." Tim continued toward the shower.

Dick just followed him. "So, did he like try to drown you in it?"

"Something like that."

Dick was starting to get annoyed with the little-to-no information he was getting from Tim. "Why aren't you giving me details?"

"Because it's driving you crazy…er."

Dick rolled his eyes at the response. "Very funny."

"Aren't I just."

"No, seriously…tell me what happened."

Tim sighed to himself. "Note to self: Check if Dick's in the cave before entering. If yes, then sneak in a different way."

"Hey, come on, I'm not going to mock you…too much."

Tim spun around to face Dick. He knew the only way to get Dick off his back was to just tell him what he wanted to know. "Every surface was slicked and I was dropped into a giant vat of the stuff. The smell alone could have killed me."

Dick was disappointed in the response. It seemed very anticlimactic to him. "And you couldn't just say that because?"

Tim sighed to himself once again. "Because it was stupid."

Dick raised an eyebrow at that. "I'm sorry; what?"

"Come on, we've run into some pretty stupid plots, but that was definitely at the top of the 'pathetic ways to die' list. Seriously, had I not made it out of there, I would have been disappointed in that death."

"Okay, I guess I can see your point, but you shouldn't be upset about it."

"I'm not upset about it…itchy as hell, but not upset." Tim curled his hands into fists to keep from scratching himself. He had already figured out that scratching didn't actually help.

"Okay…should I go get you some lotion?"

Tim raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you think it'd help?"

Dick shrugged. "I don't know, but you're turning a funny color."

"WHAT?" Tim growled as he ran to go look in a mirror.

Dick followed him. "Kinda…orange…"

"Okay, no more bickering I'm getting into the shower now."

After what seemed to Dick to be hours later, Tim emerged from the shower, still looking rather orange. Dick stared at him for a moment before laughing. "Can I dye your hair green and call you an oompa loompa?"

Tim glared at him. "No, you can not."

"You take all the fun out of everything."

Tim's glare only intensified. "Oh, I'm so sorry I killed your amusement. Now, help me find a way to fix this."

"Why? I think orange is your color."

"DICK!" Tim growled out of frustration.

"Alright, alright…mean little oompa loompa." Dick muttered as he walked over to the computer.

"I AM NOT AN OOMPA LOOMPA!" Tim hollered back to him.

"Geez, I wonder if there was something else in that vat that messed with your…"

"Pigmentation." Tim finished for him.

"I was going to say attitude, but yeah pigmentation works, too."

The two of them started running tests in silence. At least that was until Dick started looking over some of the results. Dick was reading one of the printouts when he burst into laughter.

"What? What is it?" Tim didn't know whether to be annoyed or anxious, so he settled on both.

"It turns out you're more of a freak than I thought."

Tim glared at him despite his anticipation of the answer. "What?"

"Tim, you're allergic to Murphy's Oil Soap…nothing life threatening…apparently, you just turn orange."

Tim threw his hands in the air out of frustration. "Oh, that's just great…like I don't get mocked enough. How long until it wears off?"

Dick shrugged. "Probably a couple of days…maybe a week…I mean, you were exposed to a lot of it."

"Great, just great."

"I don't understand why you're so upset about this. You're only orange, you don't need a tan, and it's not like it's permanent."

"Dick, look at me!" Tim gestured to himself. "I look like a bad Halloween decoration. Not to mention, you've already started making jokes, and you said that this humiliation is going to last for DAYS or more."

"Whoa, if it bothers you so much, I'll lay off. Okay, pumpkin?" Dick snickered to himself.

"Dick, I'm not even sure you actually know how to lay off."

Dick stared sheepishly at him. "I can try."

"Right, I'll be in my room." Tim turned to go.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. This is funny."

Tim spun around to glare at him. "For you, it's funny."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Come on, how often does something of _The Joker's_ imagination actually turn out to be funny."

"That's it. I finally understand The Joker's plan this time."

Dick raised an eyebrow at him out of confusion. "Oh?"

"Yeah, he was hoping I'd die of embarrassment."

Dick rolled his eyes. "It's not that bad."

"So says the one who isn't orange."

"Would that make you feel better? Because I'm pretty sure Alfred has some food dye around here somewhere."

Tim sighed to himself again. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is that even when you're being an ass you're still being nice? God, no wonder Jason calls you the golden child."

"Well, technically, Tim, you're a little more golden than me, right now."

Tim frowned at that. "That's not funny."

"Yes, it is."

"Yeah, people who wake up with melted marshmallows in their hair usually think that."

Dick abruptly stopped laughing at that. "What?"

"Nothing." Tim started walking away again.

"Wait, if I'm going to wake up with melted marshmallows in my hair, can you at least leave some chocolate and graham crackers in my room, so I can make s'mores?"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Only you…"

Dick raised an eyebrow at that. "What?"

"Only you would request chocolate and graham crackers to go with your punishment."

Dick grinned slightly. "Yeah, and only you would have an allergic reaction where you turn orange instead of just breaking out into hives."

Tim heaved a large sigh. "Don't remind me."

Dick placed a hand on Tim's shoulder. "It's okay, you'll be back to your annoyingly pale self soon enough."

Tim laughed but there was no humor in it. "With you around five seconds from now isn't soon enough."

"Oh, come on, goldfish, we'll go get you some carrot juice, and the two of you can go be orange together."

Tim stared at him blankly. "You realize horrible things are going to befall you when this is all over."

Dick smiled. "I know. Now, if you can beat me to the kitchen, you won't be eating only orange foods."

Tim shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. You're going to force feed me--at the very least--orange jell-o. I'm not silly enough to believe otherwise."

Dick's smile broadened. "You know me too well."

"That I do. Now, I suggest you start running." Tim took off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Nice try, little brother." Dick laughed as he raced after him.

The End


End file.
